I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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