I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
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