I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I cannot find my penis.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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