Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
