Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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