I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
