I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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