just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
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i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
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I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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