in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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