hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
