did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
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Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
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He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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