There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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