my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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