You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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