I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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