and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Randomize
