there's paper in my vomit.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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