who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
