It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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