dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
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Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
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Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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