my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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