if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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