I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
