If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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