So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
