dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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