I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
