This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
