By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
tonight lets celebrate not being married
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
My feet surprised me
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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