She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
