Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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