Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
