I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
