Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
