Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
