You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
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pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
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Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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