I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
