Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
