I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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