I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
