Umm I'm too high to move.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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