hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
