I accidentally burped into my bong.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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