Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Let's get the cat blown out
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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