I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
