I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
