the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
