so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
