im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
