i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
