just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I just want nice things and good sex
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