just tell him i said nine months
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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