So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
