I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
