Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
He kissed a someone with a penis
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Drunk is not a location!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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